"Shiva,"
referring to the seven-day mourning period which begins immediately
after the funeral, is based on the Hebrew word for seven —
(shiv'a).
Seven is a mystical number in most religious traditions. In the biblical
account of creation, the world was created in seven days and in a
sense begins again every seven days. Every human death diminishes
the world by the same measure. The Jewish custom of mourning for seven
days is based on the verse in Genesis where Joseph mourns his father
Jacob for a week.[1]
The phrase "sitting
shiv'a" probably derives from the custom of sitting low
to the ground during the intense period of mourning after the funeral.
Mourners do not sit still for seven days; they move around the house,
stand, sit at the table to eat, lie down to sleep. And yet, the image
of sitting during shiv'a — of motionlessness
— is an apt metaphor for what happens over
the course of this week. During shiv'a, mourners sit with their
grief, remembering, weeping, dreaming, telling stories, sharing memories.
During the week,
mourners are exempt from all the requirements of daily life and restricted
from its pleasures, too. The bereaved do not work or play, call the
office or wash dishes, watch TV or go to the gym. Shiv'a is
for one thing only, and that is exploring the emotional catalog of
regret, relief, guilt, anger, shame, self-pity, remorse.
Jewish law requires
that the immediate family spend this week in formal mourning. This
includes adult children, parents, siblings, and spouses only. However,
other relatives and friends sometimes join for some or all of its
observance. Though seven days may sound like a long time to "sit,"
in practice the seven are more like five because fractions of days
are considered full days. Thus, the day of the funeral is counted
as the first day of shiv'a, even if the burial occurred in
the afternoon. Likewise, shiv'a ends on the morning of the
seventh day — traditionally, right after
shaharit, the morning prayer service.
Shiv'a
is traditionally observed either in the home of the deceased or in
the home of a principal mourner. If possible, mourners spend the whole
week in the shiv'a house together, sleeping under the same
roof. Where this is not practical, mourners share their waking hours.
The seven days
of shiv'a transform how mourners pass time, and change the
look and use of space.
• After returning
home from the funeral, mourners remove their shoes and refrain from
wearing leather shoes — an ancient sign
of luxury — while in the shiv'a
house. Wearing cloth slippers, socks, or going barefoot is a sign
of being humbled by loss.
• A basin
of water and a towel may be left outside the door for people to wash
their hands, a ritual gesture that separates the mitzvah of honoring
the dead from the mitzvah of comforting the bereaved.
• It is customary
to light a large shiv'a candle, also called a ner daluk
— burning light —
which burns for seven days and nights. Candles are universal symbols
of the divine spark that inhabits the body. In the words of the Bible,
"The soul is the lamp of God."[2]
The candle is
placed in a prominent spot and lit without saying a blessing. The
immediate family might gather and designate someone to light the flame;
this honor can go to a child, close friend, or other "unofficial"
mourner. The funeral home provides a long-burning candle or a special
electric light that stays lit throughout shiv'a.
• In the
Shulkhan Aruch, a sixteenth-century guide to Jewish law, Rabbi
Joseph Karo wrote, "The first meal eaten by the mourner after
the funeral is called seudat havra'ah (the meal of recuperation
or consolation). At this meal, the mourner is forbidden to eat of
his own food, and it is a mizvah for friends and neighbors
to bring him food. The custom is to include round cakes or eggs in
the meal of recuperation."[3]
Serving a meal
to mourners upon their return from the cemetery is a tangible act
of condolence; although the bereaved tend to be uninterested in eating,
friends provide nourishment to signal that life must go on. It is
customary for people who attend the funeral and burial to share this
meal with the bereaved. Rabbi Karo's suggested menu of round foods
recalls the cyclical nature of life, thus lentil dishes are traditional.
Bread, the most elemental of foods, is always served. The meal is
usually non-meat, or milchig (dairy).
• Sitting
low to the ground — on the floor, on cushions,
or special benches provided by the funeral home —
is an outward sign of being struck down by grief (visitors
sit on regular chairs and couches.)
• The practice
of covering the mirrors began centuries ago and was based on a belief
that spirits were attracted to mirrors. Some people thought that the
soul could be trapped in the reflection, or that the dead person's
spirit lingered on earth for a time and might reach out from"the
other side." The rabbis reinterpreted the folk custom, declaring
that mirrors should be covered to discourage vanity and encourage
inner reflection. Regardless of its symbolism, covering mirrors is
a striking visual cue, a token of the disruption and grief felt by
everyone who enters the house.
• Doors are
left unlocked so that visitors can enter without knocking or ringing
the doorbell, which would distract the mourners from their grief and
cause them to act as hosts.
• Jewish
law is very specific about the prohibitions given to mourners. The
bereaved do not cook, or run errands, or attend school. They do not
wear makeup or shave. Mourners abstain from pleasures of all kinds:
sensual, sexual, or even intellectual. Mourners are not supposed to
read the Torah, which is considered one of life's great joys.
Distractions are
not permitted: so no television, card-playing, shopping, or computer
games.[4]
This kind of self-denial is usually explained as an aide to grieving.
However, there may well be a penitential aspect to some of the prohibitions
and customs. Regardless of how much the deceased was loved and how
complete the reconciliation at the time of death, mourners may be
feeling anger, relief or regret, as well as sadness; for these, the
relatively modest privations of shiv'a make a kind of restitution.
Shiv'a
is a protected island in time for the bereaved, seven days set aside
for reminiscence and condolence. At its core, shiv'a is the
way that Jewish mourners begin to tell time after a loved one has
died.
|
[1]
Genesis 50:10 [back]
[2] Proverbs 20:27 [back]
[3] Yoreh Deah 378:1 [back]
[4] The list of don'ts is extensive and much debated.
See Maurice Lamm, The Jewish Way in Death and Mourning
(Jonathan David Publishers, 1969), pp. 111-120. [back] |
|
 From:
Saying Kaddish: How to Comfort the Dying, Bury the Dead and Mourn
as a Jew, by Anita Diamant (Schocken Books, NY, 1998). |
